It’s hard to be grateful for your life when things go wrong. It’s hard to carry on when, no matter what you do or how much you try, all turns to ashes. Even if you align yourself with God, even when you say “Thy will be done”.
Mistakes engulf me. At the end of every day, I’ve been trying to go over the bits and pieces, make sense of them, of life, of the day. It takes a lot of discipline to be grateful for the mistakes while saying “no more”.
And then what to do with others’ mistakes? To stand them repeatedly is an abuse on yourself. Why would you agree to that? What if you can’t just walk away from the situation? Or is it that we find excuses not to? Most of the times, we do – we find excuses. Saying “no” is hard, so hard. Saying “no” is un-natural. When God made everything, He said “yes”. When something is good, it is “yes”. Will you marry me? Yes. Will you marry him? Yes. How does that turn into “no”? When there is no “I’m sorry”. And when there is no forgiveness left.
It’s been shitty lately. What news. The world has gone crazy and this is no mean parable – it truly has. There’s not much mystical truth left in it, people are always rushed, they don’t stop to think, to evaluate, to make real decisions, to actually move forward. They circle around, mistake after mistake, burying their heads in the ego-sand or computer games. Numbing, it’s called. No thinking. Thinking hurts, thinking calls for action. Better dead.
Dead spirits, that’s what most of us are. I have many moments when I wish I weren’t born. Blasphemy. Mistake. Lie. That’s what it all is, that’s what I feel like. Where are those feelings from? God, being “yes”, did not bestow them onto me. God is joy, creation, love. The negative which I cannot subdue – so powerless… in all my illusion of control. Don’t you feel like that? If you’re truly true to yourself, that is. You don’t have to answer.
And so I write for joy. Who am I kidding? This is a blog of fights against depressive moods, of despair cries, of lying to myself – and those few willing to read to the end. Am I grateful that you read these blurbs? I’d be if they gave you hope or at least some understanding, some alignment. Otherwise, it’s not really worth it.
I’m chaotic tonight, I do apologize. Maybe I’d do better not to post this at all. I’m tired. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, another lie. Work, that is.
I love you. I need you. You’re probably here but there are no physical arms to embrace me. My joy… it’s hard to live without you. And I don’t know the way. Even if that way is, as You said once, You.
I wish I had never been born. Forgive me, Judas that I am. But like a thief will I confess Thee: remember me in Thy kingdom.
Oh, how I hate this cross.