That little thing inside

I was just like her.

I have glimpses of me laughing happily in the park and on the hills. Somewhere amidst green and sun, light dancing around me and it felt so natural, I didn’t think about it. Now, I do. It’s a good thing we have memory, it allows us to relive beauty which we did not grasp fully in the past. There’s gratitude in that.

There are so many memories of what came after. Gradually. First, as surprise – a bad one. Words of blame. You didn’t do this, you are not that good. I didn’t understand, I really was trying my best. So I tried harder. It gave me joy to try, and confidence. Whenever I made it, I felt triumphant. And then out of the blue: you are not good enough. Again. Little did I know at the time it was not me who they blamed, it was their own incapacity and lameness and lack of courage. So little by little, they crushed me. One here, another one there. I was giving in, inside, collapsing. I kept a face. Cynicism crept in. Anger bubbled. I got to be a mess inside.

Like a magnet, I had attracted shit for years. Got prizes on the outside, failed inside. Even now, people say I look sexy, exceptional, I pass as a succes. Nobody really knows how broken I am.

She was the first one to tell me, after many many years, “you are the most wonderful person in this entire world and I am so grateful God gave you to me and me to you.” She came to me in my darkest hour and, unwilling as I was, turned my world alight again. Do you know how happy she is? She radiates, all the time. Her laughter fills rooms and voids and plazas and all of my inside. Cyclical, isn’t it. What used to be inside me and now is outside, fills my inside with joy. Does that mean that I get another chance?She is me, in another time.

I pray to God she is much much happier.



It’s hard to be grateful for your life when things go wrong. It’s hard to carry on when, no matter what you do or how much you try, all turns to ashes. Even if you align yourself with God, even when you say “Thy will be done”.

Mistakes engulf me. At the end of every day, I’ve been trying to go over the bits and pieces, make sense of them, of life, of the day. It takes a lot of discipline to be grateful for the mistakes while saying “no more”.

And then what to do with others’ mistakes? To stand them repeatedly is an abuse on yourself. Why would you agree to that? What if you can’t just walk away from the situation? Or is it that we find excuses not to? Most of the times, we do – we find excuses. Saying “no” is hard, so hard. Saying “no” is un-natural. When God made everything, He said “yes”. When something is good, it is “yes”. Will you marry me? Yes. Will you marry him? Yes. How does that turn into “no”? When there is no “I’m sorry”. And when there is no forgiveness left.

It’s been shitty lately. What news. The world has gone crazy and this is no mean parable – it truly has. There’s not much mystical truth left in it, people are always rushed, they don’t stop to think, to evaluate, to make real decisions, to actually move forward. They circle around, mistake after mistake, burying their heads in the ego-sand or computer games. Numbing, it’s called. No thinking. Thinking hurts, thinking calls for action. Better dead.

Dead spirits, that’s what most of us are. I have many moments when I wish I weren’t born. Blasphemy. Mistake. Lie. That’s what it all is, that’s what I feel like. Where are those feelings from? God, being “yes”, did not bestow them onto me. God is joy, creation, love. The negative which I cannot subdue – so powerless… in all my illusion of control. Don’t you feel like that? If you’re truly true to yourself, that is. You don’t have to answer.

And so I write for joy. Who am I kidding? This is a blog of fights against depressive moods, of despair cries, of lying to myself – and those few willing to read to the end. Am I grateful that you read these blurbs? I’d be if they gave you hope or at least some understanding, some alignment. Otherwise, it’s not really worth it.

I’m chaotic tonight, I do apologize. Maybe I’d do better not to post this at all. I’m tired. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, another lie. Work, that is.

I love you. I need you. You’re probably here but there are no physical arms to embrace me. My joy… it’s hard to live without you. And I don’t know the way. Even if that way is, as You said once, You.

I wish I had never been born. Forgive me, Judas that I am. But like a thief will I confess Thee: remember me in Thy kingdom.

Oh, how I hate this cross.

Time for a Treat

Thursday morning. Man, it’s the middle of the week. Bad news: work is still there and won’t go away by the weekend (worse than bad news: you don’t have a job; keep reading and hopefully you’ll find some helpful ideas below). Good news: you can take a break any time to recharge your batteries. And what better time than today!

Today you’re gonna GO OUT and have coffee, tea or lunch. With or without a friend. Preferably “with” – a friend who’ll have coffee with you at any time really cares for you and…


(yes, this is my photo of a sewing kit I bought and I intend to sew this little thing – will post it when ready)

But maybe you are a loner and you don’t have friends (yet! – you’ll make some in due time, plus see picture above). That’s OK, you have a date with your best “friend” then: YOU.

You’re gonna dress nicely for this, even if you go to the cheapest place in town. Why? You respect yourself, you respect your audience, friends, family etc. It all starts with you. Even Jesus Christ gave us the command as such: “Love your neighbour like yourself.” Well, if you don’t love yourself, you can’t really love someone else. Makes sense? That coffee you’re gonna have will make YOU feel good first and foremost, whether you’re helping yourself or others. Get that?

So start with putting on your best comfortable clothes and shoes. Open the door and go straight to that shop and try spot a table by the window or by the fireplace or in a nook. It’s part of treating yourself. Enjoy every sip. This is not the time to start dieting (by the way, any diet sucks – if it’s not attached to a doctor’s prescription or to a healthy and balanced pattern of fasting, don’t inflict it on yourself. I’ll write a separate posting about fasting, promise.)

Talk to your friend or to your self. Take that half an hour or more to focus on positive things. It’s OK if you need to cry and be comforted, just try not leave the table on a sad or angry note. Think of something good for that last sip.

Worst case scenario: you’re totally miserable, you don’t have any friends, you don’t have any money, your best clothes are mostly rags. OK. All it takes is your will power. Do you wanna feel better? Here’s what you do: You put on your best rags. You take a look at that Monday mirror and see that you’re enough the way you are. You get out of your current physical environment and step into a coffee shop and ask for a glass of water and sit by any available window for 10 minutes. Think about the good stuff in your life, anytime, anywhere. There must be something, dig deep into your memory and let the good bits resurface. If a bad memory tries to take over, push it aside gently saying: “I don’t need you right now.” You do this exercise as often as you can (think of), and in a short time you’ll feel better, more confident, richer and more sociable. Stick to it, baby. It’s called the discipline of feeling good.

In any of these instances, appreciate you took the time to dress up and go out because you deserve it.

Happy Thursday!