I am grateful for…

…Monday morning.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was not grateful for any morning, let alone Mondays. A new beginning, a new day, a new opportunity. Whenever I heard or read any of this, I rolled my eyes and went back to hide under the covers. Yes, I was depressed and yes, I hadn’t yet hit the bottom.

And there was another time, even longer ago, when Monday was just another day feeding into another week which was part of another month of an infinite row of years. Yes, that’s how we think when we are young: that we are eternal and time will always be on our side, aren’t we stupid. A good number of years in that – now I know it’s rather finite – row passed before I got to the bottom of that depression valley, and all the Mondays – slowly but surely – lost their flavour and excitement and joy.

Until one day. I don’t even remember if it was a Monday – probably not. It doesn’t matter. Out of the blue came the memory of another day from that forgotten youth when a nice kind man had woken me up to say “I have news for you.” (We had had a conversation the previous night and I had confessed to him that sunny mornings were not giving me joy any longer). So I said: “Yeah, what kind of news?”

“Well, mixed really. The bad news is that it’s sunny outside…” – he said seriously.

I smiled thinking of our talk. “Oh yeah?”

“… and the good news is that it’s sunny outside.” – he smiled back at me.

I didn’t get it then, I thought he was just trying to look smart to impress me. He was, in a way (long story short, he’s my husband of twenty years now). I got out of bed, had breakfast with him, and then we walked through sparkling snow for about 4 hours. He was courting me, it was lovely.

Six years ago, he watched me helplessly while I drowned in my own sorrows. Then, as I was saying, that memory came back and I got it: it was all about perspective. You’d think I’m pretty obtuse, how could I not get that in the first place? Oh, but I did: in my head. It sounded like a joke then. And suddenly, so many years later, it sank into my heart and it became reality.

It’s Monday morning. The sun is shining. What? It’s cloudy? So? The sun is still there, above the clouds, and your brain knows it. Now let your heart be flooded with its warmth. Feel the new beginning, the new day, the new opportunity. Life is yours to live it. You gotta want it – and why wouldn’t you? It’s in your power to change everything. Yes, gradually – you know, they say Rome wasn’t built in a day either, and that’s one true saying. So start with that step you don’t want to take and just be grateful for today.

Happy Monday!

Gratitude

I had a rather lousy day today when it was supposed to be joyful. A day of paradoxes. There was a ceremony I had decided to participate in though I had had a feeling that the person I was there for would do everything to make me feel unwelcome. And she did. Simply because of too much pride and messed up priorities. Because of rebelious youth and too little love.

I’ve discovered that love is a thing one learns. Love contains pain and patience and resilience and many tears: liquid ones and solid ones, literal ones and invisible ones. When young, we mistake passion and smiles and kisses and hugs for all that love is. We do not see the hidden part of the iceberg. We do not get why mom is mad and dad is disappointed if we put ourselves in danger or we simply misbehave. We see our courage only, we trust our eternal health. We disobey rules and then ask for comfort and then disobey the rules again. How stupid is that? “I’m tired” is something we can solve with a 12 hour sleep or even less – and “just let me sleep” has the sound of a bark, not the faint plea we’ll make much later on. We keep being children for much longer than we like to admit.

And so today, as I was trying to make sense of the inexplicable abominable behaviour of the dear person in question, I suddenly had this sense of peace and profound mysterious understanding that, precisely because I was not receiving thanks or gratitude, I found myself not grateful enough. That I am good enough to exist as I am, yes – but not grateful enough. (For there is a difference, and a big one it is.) That no matter what I will do and how much I would love, I cannot love like God. This reminded me of a beautiful quote I once read somewhere, and I forget the source: “The greatest saint’s love for God does not compare to God’s love for the greatest sinner.”

And so tonight I am willingly grateful. For everything. In my freedom of choice which God has bestowed upon my spirit at birth, I decide to be grateful. For the good, the bad and the ugly, for all the harsh lessons, for every single smile and encouragement I’ve received in my life so far, for the doors that got shut and the windows which opened, for my health and that of my family, for the terrible teachers I’ve had who have truly enhanced my appreciation of the good teachers, for family and friends, for fights and make ups, for failures and successes… for who God shaped me to be, most of the times against my will.

I love you so much, Lord… I do. There are no words. But You know. And in your infinite love and perfect understanding, You Who sees into the depth of my heart, will accept this imperfect plea for forgiveness and my gratitude for this life of mine.

There’s one more little feeling that I have tonight – that gratitude and love are entwined in this ball of light which is all that survives death. Quite literally.